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Friday, April 6, 2007

Being REAL

Someone in college paid me the highest compliment I've ever been given, at least in my opinion. She told me she liked me because I was real! It's time to be REAL about the past 3 days of my life.

I believe this is the closest to Hell I ever want to experience. Spending 24/7, well not quite 24/7, but close enough, with a terrible 2 year old in a boring hotel room or in a house with absolutely nothing in it has taken it's toll on me, mentally, physically, emotionally, etc...There have been moments in my days when I've thought running away and disappering off the face of the earth would be the best option for me at that moment. I've questioned everything about my life and what we've decided the Lord has led us to do. Is it worth it?

Is it worth trying to restrain myself from harming my oldest child? Is it worth spending a week, 2 weeks actually, without my earthly possessions? Is it worth leaving my best friends in the world who have stood by me through thick and thin who if they were in the same county with me would be here helping me through all of this junk and rescuing me from myself and my crazy child? Is it worth walking away from a very comfortable lifestyle and into the complete unknown of the military world where my ID card is my best friend? Is it worth the constant weight of knowing that one day Jake's going to come home and say he's going to be spending a year in Korea without us? There are dozens of other 'is it worth its' rolling around in my mind.

My flesh is crying out 'absolutely not. But my Spirit reminds me constantly that obedience isn't always easy or comfortable or familiar or quiet or without chaos. My Spirit reminds me there are people all over Fort Bliss and El Paso who are without hope, without a Savior. That's when I have to say it's worth it! Though hard to see that in the midst of chasing Bailey down the street or having to carry his heavy butt 5 blocks because he refuses to walk himself back home, I know in my heart that the Lord knew before I was born that I would be sitting in El Paso today dealing with a wild child. He knew I'd miss talking to my friends and spending time google chatting or messenging. He knew how I'd hurt and grieve the loss of the familiar. He knew I'd be sitting here crying typing this blog.

Today I put a little plaque that the children's ministry gave me as my departing gift on the window over the kitchen sink at our empty house so that as I wash the endless string of bottles and look out over the sand and weeds in my back yard the Lord can remind me that "I know the plans I have for you - plans to prosper and not to harm you - plans to give you a hope and a future."

2 comments:

Jeff, Judith, Lauren, Emily, Daniel, Amy, and Joel said...

Jen,
I wish that there was some way that I could help you. I know that all I can do is pray for you RIGHT NOW.....which I just did. I will continue to pray for you in the weeks ahead. Thank you for "being REAL". I won't go into detail here, but the Lord used this post to speak to my heart. Thank you.
I want to say that Satan can really use these hard times to discourage you and overwhelm you. You are going to feel like a horrible mom and like you have the worst child in the world. Don't believe those lies, because they only cause you and your child harm. Keep your eyes on Jesus. Spend time with Him DAILY, you REALLY need it during these weeks ahead. I will admit, it sounds like your son is being disobedient, but don't focus on ALL the things he is doing wrong. Find one or two big things and work on them first. That way you can be encouraged with each little step of improvement. Through this whole time don't forget, that this move is hard on him too!
I love you, friend. You will get through this!

Grammy said...

As I sat on the plane yesterday missing you and the babies, I was reminded of the words of a song - "to the world, you may be just another "boy", but to me, Bailey, you are the world." I am so proud of you and the way you take care of those boys. Things will be much better when he gets some familiar furniture and routine back in his life. Just remember that he's feeling the same fear and frustration and confusion you are feeling, but he can't pray about it and remind himself that this is God's will for his life the way you can. Just keep being a great Mommy. Bailey will never remember whether his laundry was done or his floor was mopped. But somehow he will remember Mommy walking to that playground with him and carrying him home to get him a sippy cup of milk.

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